Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics

I cannot believe I am saying this... but I miss the library. I miss having a place designated for studying, surrounded by like-minded college students living off of Yerba Mate and the desperate Subway sandwich meal that they’ve probably had 4 times that week. One of the challenges brought forth by COVID-19 is the displacement of several students into uncomfortable living situations, where it may be difficult to find a place to study or even relax. 

If you are experiencing difficult family dynamics while living at home during this time, you are not alone. Some students may now experience an increase in responsibilities that they didn’t typically have during the school year, such as caretaking. This can be incredibly hard, especially while being a full-time college student and trying to complete other remote work from home. College also acts as a safe haven for many students, giving them physical distance between them and their family members. Now that they share the same physical space, many people feel like they have less independence and less control over their familial relationships. A few examples of some difficult situations that one might face while home are having a family member with a mental illness, difficult financial situations, lack of space, or just not feeling understood by your loved ones. 

Also, underlying tensions can be magnified because of the stressful, unusual, frightening circumstances brought on by the pandemic. Family therapist Helen Park of Manhattan’s Ackerman Institute for the Family, a mental health clinic, says that “the climate for everybody is such an acute, pervasive level of anxiety. That kicks up the sympathetic nervous system; the fight-or-flight fear responses are very much always on. That's where you get problematic cycles of interactions, which are so difficult to interrupt if you're in a heightened state." Many people (myself included) have noticed that squabbles occur more frequently and often tend to escalate. This emotional distress coupled with a persistent feeling of anxiety can be overwhelming at times, so it’s important to pay close attention to your well-being. 

Some things that may help us when we are in these situations is:

• Recognizing what’s within your control. Though we may not have the same independence and freedom that we once had, there are still some factors that are within our control. Many of us are able to choose what we eat, how we entertain ourselves, when we communicate with friends, what we wear, etc. Noting the daily decisions that we make can make us realize that we do still have some power over our lives.
  
• Setting boundaries. I often have to make it clear to my family members when I need space, whether that is to complete my school work or just to get time to myself. Sometimes this doesn’t work, but it helps me communicate my needs.
  
• Taking walks. This sounds fairly simple, but getting a breath of fresh air to get some space is really important to me. Sometimes we can feel trapped at home when we have several responsibilities or are feeling overwhelmed by the people we live with. Taking time to step out and appreciate nature, or a different environment, can be therapeutic. Daily walks can also create some physical distance between our family members and us. 
  
• Reaching out to friends. If your familial circumstances are less than ideal, you can try to spend more time with your chosen family. A lot of your friends might be experiencing the same issues, so it could be helpful to confide in them and give each other the emotional support that you may not be getting.
  
• Developing a routine. Without in-person lectures, extracurricular activities, and our regular jobs, many students find themselves procrastinating or solely doing schoolwork without allowing themselves much-needed breaks. Developing a structure can be helpful for finding work-life balance and creating a sense of normalcy. I still use Google Calendar religiously and include both classes and relaxation time (i.e. watching Netflix, talking with friends) because academic and social life are equally important. 
  
• Seeking help. If you are feeling extremely overwhelmed by the changes this quarter and are having trouble navigating a living environment or relationships, do not be afraid to seek help. CAPS is available by phone at (805) 893-4411 where you can make an appointment to speak to a clinician, or you can submit a services request form online at caps.sa.ucsb.edu. Being able to talk to someone about what you are going through can really help when you are feeling frustrated and alone.
  

-Tashia and Maddie

Sources: https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2020/04/09/coronavirus-quarantine-fighting-causes-family-drama-amid-virus-fear/2955382001/