Good romantic partners help you to feel significant, loved, and cared for, and help you to feel confident, take risks, and feel supported.
Students often wonder about how to establish a solid foundation in a romantic relationship and communicate effectively with one another. Sometimes they struggle in deciding whether a romantic relationship is good for them or whether it perhaps would be better if it ended.

Check out information below to better understand the qualities of a healthy romantic relationship, gain insights into how to effectively communicate, and make decisions that are healthy for you.

Creating the Foundation for a Healthy Romantic Relationship

  • Respect your partner and yourself. Treat your partner with care, compassion, honesty, and trust and expect the same from them.

  • Let them know you care.  A hug, an “I love you”, a note to tell your partner that they matter to you will go a long way.
 
  • Make time to connect. Just like a car needs fuel and regular maintenance to make it run effectively, your relationship requires ongoing energy and attention to thrive. Making time for your partner to share in their day shows you care and builds the foundation of your relationship. Text, call, have a meal together, go for a walk. They all count.
 
  • Communicate openly.  Be authentic with your partner about your values, expectations, feelings, and needs, even when it’s hard or scary to do so. By doing so, you give your partner their best chance to be responsive.
 
  • Reciprocate support. Partners will have different needs at different times in the relationship. Provide your partner with support in big and small ways, and expect that they will also do so in return

  • Fight fairly & practice forgiveness. Even in good relationships partners will argue and feelings will get hurt. Careless words and actions can injure in ways that can be hard to heal. Be thoughtful. Show understanding and empathy. Take responsibility for your part in all of it. Actively work together to repair your relationship.
  • Capitalize on the positive. We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But how someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship. Active constructive responding--stopping what you are doing and engaging wholeheartedly with your partner to savor their joy and excitement, share more details about their experience, and bond over their good news--is critical to positive, satisfying relationships.  

  • Cultivate gratitude. More often than not we forget to let our partners know what they are doing right in the relationship. Take an extra minute to really feel grateful for the things, big and small, that your partner does for you, and let them know you appreciate those things that they do. This positive feedback will not only make them feel appreciated but it will strengthen the care and love in your relationship. 
 
  • Develop interests outside of your romantic partnership.  Building your own interests not only develops your own identity and can strengthen your confidence, but it also has the added benefit of bringing new energy into your relationship.
 
  • Develop connections to others outside of your romantic relationship. No one relationship can provide you all that you need. And, when you have tensions in your romantic relationship (which is inevitable, even in the best relationships), you will need a network of support to rely on.

Resolving Conflict & Making Changes

Even in good romantic relationships partners can have difficulties communicating with one another, they can argue and hurt one another, and/or grow distant.

When you feel upset with or hurt by your partner it can sometimes be difficult to resolve those feelings and mend your relationship. And if you're like many people, you might not feel like you have all the tools to make talking it out go smoothly.

Check out our strategies for navigating these conversations with greater ease!

Let's talk About Sex....

Whether you are sexually active or not, physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy romantic relationship. Want to learn how to have a more fulfilling physical relationship with your partner? Topics on this site cover everything from understanding the basics of your and your partner's body, understanding different forms of sexual activity, learning to communicate about each of your values and desires around physical intimacy, practicing sexual health, and more! Don't skip the teen corner either...there are important insights for a healthy sexual self here for people of all ages.

Dating & Domestic Violence

Sometimes in dating relationships partners will endure emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from their partner. These behaviors are used to establish power and control over the person and can happen regardless of a person's gender, race, ability status, or any other identity. You have the right to be treated with respect and care in your relationship. Read below to affirm your rights in your relationship and learn more about the red flags that indicate potential interpersonal abuse.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

You have the right to.....
  • Be shown kindness and good will from your partner
  • Receive emotional support
  • Be heard by your partner and to be responded to with courtesy
  • Have your own view, even if your partner has a different view
  • Have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
  • Receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive
  • Be given clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
  • Live free from accusation and blame
  • Live free from criticism and judgment
  • Have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
  • Encouragement
  • Live free from emotional and physical threat
  • Live free from angry outbursts and rage
  • Be called by no name that devalues you
  • Be respectfully asked rather than ordered
  • ​
                                                                                   ~Adapted from Evans (1992)

Know The 8 Before It's Too Late

1. INTENSITY: Excessive charm, LYING to cover up insecurity, needing to win over your friends and family immediately, OVER THE TOP gestures that seem too much too soon, BOMBARDING you with numerous texts and emails in a short time, behaving obsessively, insisting that you get serious IMMEDIATELY
2. JEALOUSY: Responding IRRATIONALLY when you interact with other people, becoming ANGRY when you speak with the opposite sex, persistently ACCUSING you or flirting/cheating, resenting your time with your friends and family or DEMANDING to know private details of your life
3. CONTROL: Telling how to wear your hair, when to speak or what to think, showing up UNINVITED at your home/school/job, CHECKING your cell phone, emails, Facebook, going through your belonging, following you, sexually coercing you or making you FEEL BAD about yourself 
4. ISOLATION: Insisting you only spend time with him or her, making you emotionally or psychologically DEPENDENT, preventing you from seeing your family or friends, or from going to school or work
5. CRITICISM: Calling you overweight, ugly, stupid, or crazy, ridiculing your beliefs, ambitions or friends, telling you he or she is the only one who really cares about you, BRAINWASHING you to feel worthless
6. SABOTAGE: Making you miss work, school, an interview, test or competition by starting a fight, having a MELTDOWN or getting sick, breaking up with you or HIDING your keys, wallet, text books or phone, STEALING your belongings
7. BLAME: Making you feel guilty and responsible for his or her behavior, blaming the world or you for his or her PROBLEMS, emotional manipulation, always saying "This is YOUR fault"
8. ANGER: Overreacting to small problems, frequently losing control, violent OUTBURSTS, having severe mood swings, drinking or partying excessively when upset, making THREATS, picking FIGHTS, having a history of violent behavior and making you feel AFRAID

If you find yourself in a relationship in which you are experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse and want some help, please call to speak with a CARE advocate.
(805) 893-4613
AVAILABLE 24 HRS A DAY. CONFIDENTIAL.

Coping After a Break-Up

Whether you have chosen to end your relationship or not, the ending can be unsettling and it may take some time before things feel back to normal again. Here are some key strategies to moving on from your relationship with greater understanding of yourself and relationships. 

  1. Be patient with yourself. If you are heart broken by the breakup or felt overwhelmed by your last relationship and needed to get out, give yourself some compassion and recognize that it will take some time for you to heal those wounds. In the meantime, practice some self care---do the things that help you to feel soothed. Check our our tips for reducing stress to help you in this process.

  2. Reach out to others who help you to feel good about yourself. Oftentimes after a break up your sense of self and confidence might take a hit. Surrounding yourself with others who care for you can help remind you of your best qualities and make you feel appreciated and loved.

  3. Rediscover yourself. Sometimes in relationships parts of yourself or your interests will take a back seat. Find ways to reconnect with those activities that make you feel personally fulfilled. Perhaps that is getting back into a hobby that you once enjoyed or trying out a new activity that you've been wanting to do.