Negotiating Challenges &
Asking for Changes in Your Relationship
People often assume that their friend/partner knows just how distressed they are and that friend/partner should know what to do to be supportive. Although your friend/partner might have some inkling that something is up, they really need you to provide them with information. Your friend/partner needs to know what you are feeling and what specifically they can do to be most supportive of you. They cannot adequately respond to your feelings and needs if you don’t share them! Here is a step by step approach to help you identify your feelings and needs, talk with your friend/partner about those feelings and needs, and work collaboratively with them to come up with a solution.
- First, do some work on your own--focus on understanding your own feelings & needs before you talk to your friend/partner. Let's say you are feeling disconnected from your friend/partner and that is making you feel bad. Consider how you would like things to be different? What specifically would a change look like ideally? What can your friend/partner do to be helpful? Perhaps you want to spend more quality time that is just your time together and you could do this by scheduling 15 minutes each night to take a walk and talk about your day together.
- Timing is everything! Have you ever been bombarded with questions or requests right as you walk in the door? Unless you are prepared, this approach can feel pretty overwhelming and the likelihood of you responding well is low. So, make sure to let your friend/partner know that you would like to talk and what you would like to talk about, and set up an uninterrupted time to do it. Giving your friend/partner a heads up gives them a chance to think about how they feel and what they need. And by setting aside some uninterrupted time you both have a better chance of responding more thoughtfully to each other.
- Talk with your friend/partner about your own feelings and needs. No one will be receptive if you focus on how they haven’t been helpful in the past or what they are doing wrong. This will just raise their defenses and lessen the chance that you will be heard. Focus on what has been challenging for you, how you are feeling, and how you hope things might be different.
- Communicate what your friend/partner can do to be more supportive. We all have expectations about how we want others to provide support. Sometimes you'll want your friend/partner to just listen and sometimes you'll want their help to problem solve some creative solutions. Your friend/partner may not be sure what to do or how to best be supportive. So, giving them some guidance as to how they can be helpful can make it easier for them to respond in the way that you need them to.
- Make sure to check in to see if what you are asking of your friend/partner is manageable for them. Remember that your friend/partner may have their own needs as well as their own challenges and stressors. So they may not be able to be responsive in the way that you had hoped. Brainstorm with them about other ways they could manage to help. Also be open to hearing about what they need from you too.
- Make a plan of action together and try it out. Once you have decided on a course of action, try out the plan. Decide on a time to check back in to see how the plan is working for each of you, that way you can work on how to fix the things that aren’t working well and strengthen the things that have worked.
Why Using Text/Email/IM
to Resolve Conflict Often Backfires
If it is important enough to say, make sure you say it face-to-face.
Students often tell us that they text, email, or IM when something is bothering them because they are nervous about confronting their friend/partner face-to-face and they expect an unpleasant, negative interaction.
But ironically, texting, IMing, or emailing someone about what is bothering you is more likely to lead to greater tension and misunderstanding. Why? It's easy to misread or misinterpret the tone and intention of something that is written. When you talk face to face, you each can see how the other is impacted by the words that are said. These cues are important to having empathy for one another.
When can you use text, email, or IM? You can use it to let someone know you that you want to talk and what you want to talk about (e.g., "Hey....our interaction earlier felt bad to me. Wonder if we can talk about this tonight to work it out. How about 9 pm?). But, make it a rule to not litigate any matter further by text, email, or IM channels.
Respectful, calm face-to-face interactions, even in the face of conflict, is an important life skill. It takes practice, Before you know it, it will get easier.
Students often tell us that they text, email, or IM when something is bothering them because they are nervous about confronting their friend/partner face-to-face and they expect an unpleasant, negative interaction.
But ironically, texting, IMing, or emailing someone about what is bothering you is more likely to lead to greater tension and misunderstanding. Why? It's easy to misread or misinterpret the tone and intention of something that is written. When you talk face to face, you each can see how the other is impacted by the words that are said. These cues are important to having empathy for one another.
When can you use text, email, or IM? You can use it to let someone know you that you want to talk and what you want to talk about (e.g., "Hey....our interaction earlier felt bad to me. Wonder if we can talk about this tonight to work it out. How about 9 pm?). But, make it a rule to not litigate any matter further by text, email, or IM channels.
Respectful, calm face-to-face interactions, even in the face of conflict, is an important life skill. It takes practice, Before you know it, it will get easier.
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