Friendships are a meaningful part of your college journey. They bring joy to your everyday adventures and offer comfort and support when life feels overwhelming. Even strong friendships, however, can face challenges—miscommunication, conflict, or growing apart are all normal parts of relating to others.
 
Explore this page to learn about the key qualities of healthy friendships, discover ways to communicate your needs effectively, and reflect on how you want to invest your time and energy in your relationships. Whether you’re new to UCSB and hoping to make friends, or you’ve been here for a while, and your friend group has changed—or no longer feels like the right fit—building close, supportive friendships is important for your well-being. Science backs that up!

Close friends can...
  • Enhance your day-to-day experiences and bring vitality to your life
  • Help you to feel safe, secure
  • Contribute to your foundation of self-worth---the sense that you are significant, lovable, and worthy of care
  • Pick up some of the load (they have your back!) when you need them         
  • Help you (e.g., soothing, problem-solving) when you aren't able to handle things alone​

Forming and maintaining friendships sometimes comes with challenges. Learn more about choosing your group of friends, effectively communicating your needs, and deciding when to invest your energy in a friendship and when it might be time to get out.

​Finding Your People

Why is it sometimes hard to get connected? Getting connected as an adult requires a coordinated effort! When you were younger, many of the social situations where you met your friends were constructed for you (e.g., playdates, homeroom). Now you have to seek out situations to meet others (e.g., joining an org), and you have to make efforts to reach out to others in environments that can feel intimidating and impersonal (e.g., class in a big lecture hall). Here are some ways to create opportunities to meet your peers.
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  • Get to know the people who live with you and around you. Proximity is one way to get connected. Take time to get to know your roommates and neighbors. You might find that some really cool people are right beside you. But don't also fret if you don't find your closest friends in the place where you live. Many students find their friend groups through other activities and interests that they have. 
  • Join groups/activities based on your interests. You will feel most comfortable and most yourself when you are doing the things that you love to do. Political junkie? Film buff? Soccer fanatic? Finding others who share your common interests creates a natural point of connection to start, and then you can build from there.
  • Join groups/organizations that support an important part of your identity. Students find that they sometimes feel most at home and understood when they develop relationships with others who share their common values, spiritual beliefs, or cultural experiences. 

Check out the various campus cultural centers, clubs, organizations, and the IV community to find your place. ​​

Friendship Rules to Live By

Being – Who You Are in Friendship
  • Be trustworthy
  • Be empathetic and honor boundaries
  • Be inclusive and open-minded
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Doing – How You Show Up
  • Offer emotional support
  • Show up for your friends
  • Reciprocate thoughtfully

Not Doing – Behaviors That Damage Connection
  • Don't drain others' emotional energy
  • Don't criticize your friends
  • Don't compete with or resent a friend's other relationships

Managing – How You Maintain Healthy Boundaries
  • Clarify expectations
  • Accept seasonality
  • Balance authenticity with privacy

You can read and find out more information here.

Resolving Conflicts

Even the closest friends can have difficulties communicating with one another, they can argue and hurt one another, and grow distant. When you feel upset with or hurt by a friend, it can sometimes be difficult to resolve those feelings and mend your relationship. If you're like many people, you might not feel like you have all the tools to make talking it out go smoothly.
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Check out our strategies for navigating these conversations with greater ease!